I was 44 and could not understand why I was still single! After all, I was attractive (that picture to the left is what I looked like back then), unencumbered, open and wanting a relationship. Or so I thought! I was financially able to provide for myself and was very self reliant. I was happily pursuing many of my dreams, so I felt I had the right attitude and was ready for a relationship. I loved my life, and all that was missing was a man to share it with. I simply was clueless about what was between me and finding a great love.
After an amicable divorce from my first marriage, I felt liberated and ready for love. What I learned from a therapist was that I chose men to cure my insatiable need for my father’s approval. So, I would choose men who were not choosing me! I was going to win them over. What a really self destructive approach to love, wouldn’t you agree. So, now armed with this insight, I thought I was free to find real love. .I was engaged once, and in one other serious relationship.
During the 15 years …When I realized that I had once again chosen the wrong man, I began to question my own judgment. Sound familiar?
The last relationship was a long distance, long term, on again, off again relationship that would not die over a seven year span. During that relationship’s “off” times I went out on what seemed like hundreds of first dates. These dates resulted in only a few men I wanted to see more than once. I began to notice that the men I was interested in were not interested in me, and vise versa. I was looking for the perfect partner and I was not going to settle for anything less. Of course everyone chided me for being so picky.
For years I would actually visit psychics every year to answer to this one question: Will I find love? Will the right man come into my life and how will I recognize him when he does?
To give you a little background, I got divorced at 30. I was happy and liberated afterwards. I figured that I would find someone special easily. After all, I had it going on! I was still young, attractive, unencumbered, and I had money in the bank and a good attitude. (What wasn’t working for me will be revealed later). But over the next 15 years, I struggled with one disappointment after the other. Add some stupid choices and one really devastating and hurtful relationship and I wound up shut down.
I would date a lot. Being emotionally hurt, didn’t stop me from trying. In fact, when I finally signed up for Great Expectations (video dating) in the 90’s, I didn’t have a problem being asked out on dates, but I wasn’t really open. In fact I turned down more than I accepted, and I rarely went out on more than a first date. Even with the ones that I went out with more than once, things just didn’t work out.
I just didn’t get it, and found myself always wondering why it was so hard to meet the right guy!
Then one year, something significant happened. I had taken many transformational courses, I’m a devoted self help queen. I was trying to fix my insecurities and find the answers to how to have the fulfilled life. After many years of training, I even started coaching others, and they were getting results, yet my life was still void of a great love, so I finally decided to take my own coaching. Now, listen closely, because this is an important point!
This involved being open to new approaches and not doing things my way, because my way was not working! When people would suggest something to me, I would say, “Thanks, but that isn’t something I would do.”
Or I would say, “Thanks, I will give that a try.” But the truth is, I lied. I wasn’t going to try it, because I knew myself and I thought I knew that those suggestions wouldn’t work for me. But the coaching I heard myself say to someone else was, “Go for it, whether you think it will work or not, because your approach is not working.” So instead of being stubborn and thinking you know what works or what doesn’t, be open and try something new. You never know, what might open up!
So that year, I signed up for a course because someone passionately recommended it to me. It wasn’t something I would normally do. For the next month, while I waited for that course to start, I promised myself that I would try anything anyone suggested, as long as it was safe. At one of the events, I met a woman and we talked about relationships. She too had a course for me to attend. I found myself thinking damn, I wish I never made that promise! I thought I would get out of it, by knocking the ball back in her court. I said, “Okay, sure, just call me when you hear of a new course starting.” I thought that was clever!
The next week, I went to the psychic and asked the same question, “Do you see love in my life?”
“Yes! I see your soul mate. When you meet, you will not like each other at first, but very quickly, you will discover that something really special is developing and will recognize that you have found your life partner. This relationship will fulfill your dreams. Yes, this man is truly your soul mate.” And then she went on to tell me bits and pieces about things like his general age, the area he lived in, his family and what his interests were.
I left there on cloud nine! Finally it was my year!
The next week, I was on vacation with my sister. We stopped into this store that was going out of business, and there was a veil on the wall.
“How much for the veil?” I asked.
“Offer me a price”, the saleswoman responded.
My sister walked up as the woman was packing up the veil in tissue paper and asked me, “What are you doing?”
“I’m buying a veil, because I am getting married next year.”
“What?” she exclaimed. “That’s cute. How are you going to do that? You aren’t even dating someone!”
This happened at the end of August. I met my husband in mid October. At first, I was not interested, I’ll tell you that story later. So we didn’t actually go on our first date until Thanksgiving weekend. Because I took a course and opened my heart, I got to know the real him, not the one that I thought I met on our first meeting. We were engaged on New Years Eve, and married in July. We’ve been in love and enthralled with our life together ever since! We celebrate our 16th anniversary July 2017.
The moral of the story is not about the psychic. It is about willingness to change.
I hope you see that because I started opening my heart to new approaches and gave up being stubborn or doing it my way, I allowed something new to come into my life.
During the year leading up to the relationship course in which Emmett and I met, I was determined to have a breakthrough. I wanted to discover what it was that I was doing to sabotage dates and what was causing me to fail at attracting the right man.
I finally decided to surrender to my friends’ suggestions, and become open to the idea that I could use some help. It was then that I was able to accept the invite to the course where Emmett and I met. What I have to share next will shock you. The first time Emmett and I laid eyes on each other, we knew we were not attracted or interested in each other. Even after sharing an hour long drive together, we still didn’t discover any attraction. If the story stopped there, I would have missed out on the greatest life partner and marriage I could ever imagine. Here is the rest of the story from my husband’s perspective: Emmett’s story