If you are tired, hurt or confused about men and relationships...Ask Denise!
Recently, I noticed a trend from one my Facebook friends that made me laugh. She and her boyfriend constantly post public declarations of their love for each other back and forth on their Facebook pages. Every day, she writes about something she did with her honey, and every day he comments on it. If she cleaned up his house, she shares it on Facebook. If they had a nice meal together, it's on Facebook! If he sneezed in a funny way... you guessed it. Every little interaction of their life is made public to all her friends, as if any of us want to hear about this stuff! And if that isn't bad enough, he then has to comment on her comment, and then she comments on his comment. The culminating cherry on top of this pinnacle of nausea is that they use completely cringe-worthy pet names for each other!
"Thank you for cooking that wondering dinner for me tonight, yummy buns!"
I was researching the web and stumbled upon this site that was giving advice about How to Make a Guy Fall in Love With You. She offered a list of 7 ways to have men fall in love:
Be Femine; Give Him Space; Listen to Him; Respect His Family; Compliment; Focus on HIs Accomplishments; and Support His Goals.
Why is This a Dangerous Approach?
Are you afraid of being too much? Do you fear that you need to be careful, so you won't scare a man away? Well here is a wake up call for you! You are probably going to lose him, because you are aren't showing him who you are. Some men want quiet , mild mannered subordinate women, and some men want a woman with spunk! The question is which guy do you want?
Do you want a man who likes a woman with a brain and has an opinion? Or do you want a man who prefers you keep your opinions to yourself? Because if you decide to suppress yourself and keep your opinions to yourself, then
Very excited about leading a group tomorrow (Monday Aug 12th) about 5 Love Languages for Singles. I have to admit though, I don't agree with everything he writes in the book. I think that's why it's good to have someone like me, interpret and guide you through the book.
Do you know how sometimes you read a great book and then 2 days later or even a week you can remember the details. That is why, when I read a book and think it has something great to pass on, I like to create exercises or handouts that are memorable. I noticed when I read his book, his exercises were limited, probably because it is a book. No one really wants to delve into deep exercises in a book alone. So that is why I offer classes. When I teach something, it sticks in people's mind!
If you live near Chico and want to attend, get details here:
If you don't live near Chico, CA. Don't despair, I like this topic and plan to offer a webinar in the future. Now, if you don't like webinars, that's too bad! You'll be missing out on something thought provoking. Something that could actually change your way of thinking about love and relationships. You know what they say: "Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life!"
"He loves me? He loves me not?" It's a question that's been around as long as humanity has. These days, we also hear, "He's just not that into you," thrown around a lot. In a time when values and relationship patterns are changing, when divorce rates are sky high, and when technology seems to only make things more confusing, it's easy to question whether you're interpreting his behavior properly, and whether you have some idea of what he really wants, but the good news is that there's an easy way to gauge his interest...
Here's a question that comes up a million times a day throughout the world: "Why do men prefer a sex buddy over a real girlfriend or wife?" In fact, many women in "relationships" feel like they are nothing more than room mates who have sex! Their guy lives his own life with very little involvement with her, except for the times when he wants to have sex. Then he gets what he wants and goes back to focusing on his other interests in life, whether it be hobbies, work, friends, etc.
Here's the answer:
What advice would you offer this woman? Her guy spends time with a woman who is into him, he says they are just friends. However, he deletes her messages and acts very suspicious. He won't include her in these so called friend outings. She wants advice about what to do. Of course anyone who is not invested emotionally would immediately advise to dump the guy. But let's be practical, she won't because she is in love with him. Naturally it's her inclination to try harder, to fight for her man, to give him ultimatums. Anything to get him to stop seeing her. Yet the best advice is to do less. What does that mean?
In the book 5 Love Languages- singles edition, Gary Chapman speaks about how people in love first enter the Passion phase, where you feel tingles about your love. The only fault in this phase is that you temporarily loose your rationale mind. He calls it obsessive love, which can have a 2 year shelf life. Then what do you do after the haze wears off?
While the book is valuable, I don't agree with all his teachings. For instance I don't agree with his story where he answers a woman's question about a guy who matches her love language: service, but she doesn't feel passion, "will the passion ever arrive?" is what she is asking. Instead he teaches her how to tell him to take a hike. I don't agree! She first needs to learn how to test him to see if he can connect with her "turn-ons" . I bet if he was guided in the right direction, the real him would suddenly appear and she would discover her passion for him. It happened to me. Guys who are givers of service are gentlemen, who need clear signals to turn on the juice. Her man sounded respectful and was waiting for a clear signal.
However, the premise for love languages is valuable and definately worth learning your primary love language. You want to pick someone who is capable of offering you YOUR primary love language, and visa versa. The good news is that you CAN learn all 5 love languages, even if you don't already possess that skill.
Standards? What's wrong with my standards? I'm picky. In fact, I'm too picky! I have a very specific kind of guy in mind for myself, and I find it impossible to bother with other guys who don't fit those standards. I know what hair and eye color I want, what height is acceptable, how much he should earn... I could go on and on!
Here's my answer to this kind of reaction, which I hear ALL the time. There is nothing wrong with being discriminating, except... you are being picky about the wrong things, and need to raise your standards in other areas. I'm sure you've found guys that fit your criteria, whether it's based on how he looks, or how much he earns, but you're still single, or you wouldn't be reading this! What went wrong? Ever been with
Dear Coach Denise,
Over the past month, I have been spending some time with a new guy who I really like, and I want a real relationship with him. We see each other very frequently, and most of the time, we are hanging out with either his friends or my friends, and sometimes both. We all get along well, but he and I have only had one official date. (He asked me!) The complication is that he says he's not ready for anything serious because he recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year. I don't want to push him into a relationship before he is ready, but I have been avoiding having sex because I'm afraid he will put me in the "friends with benefits" category, where I have ended up before. I'm crazy about this guy! What should I do so he'll want me to be his partner?