If you are tired, hurt or confused about men and relationships...Ask Denise!
Dear Coach Denise,
Over the past month, I have been spending some time with a new guy who I really like, and I want a real relationship with him. We see each other very frequently, and most of the time, we are hanging out with either his friends or my friends, and sometimes both. We all get along well, but he and I have only had one official date. (He asked me!) The complication is that he says he's not ready for anything serious because he recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year. I don't want to push him into a relationship before he is ready, but I have been avoiding having sex because I'm afraid he will put me in the "friends with benefits" category, where I have ended up before. I'm crazy about this guy! What should I do so he'll want me to be his partner?
Tell me if this sounds familiar:
You meet a guy you like, but he doesn't seem motivated to commit or be exclusive with you. You respond by giving him affection, attention, sex, gifts, and maybe even start cleaning his house/apartment. You may also refuse to see other men, and let him know that you just want to be with him. By doing all of this, you are hoping he will discover what an amazing girlfriend you are, and that he will finally decide to be your boyfriend. After all, where else is he going to find someone amazing enough to do all those things for him automatically? Believe it or not, this is a huge mistake! Why?
Most of the time that I'm giving women advice about finding the right guy, I'm telling them to raise their bar and adopt higher standards of treatment from the men they are dating. This is one of the few scenarios where he deserves a second chance after fumbling your date. It's one thing for him to be rude to others in front of you, or for him to be controlling and dismiss your preferences/interests. It's another thing entirely when he makes a mistake like talking too much on your date. It's just a matter of knowing which mistakes to forgive, and for that, you need to know why he has made them.
One of the ways that women tend to strengthen their relationships with each other is by sharing their problems, as a demonstration that we feel close enough to share our intimate feelings. For us ladies, this is a bonding experience that makes us especially good at coping with our difficulties emotionally, but what happens when you are dating someone new, and you share these difficulties? Do you share too much on a date?
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You can read a few reviews, by clicking on the comments below:
In the book 5 Love Languages- singles edition, Gary Chapman speaks about how people in love first enter the Passion phase, where you feel tingles about your love. The only fault in this phase is that you temporarily loose your rationale mind. He calls it obsessive love, which can have a 2 year shelf life. Then what do you do after the haze wears off?
While the book is valuable, I don't agree with all his teachings. For instance I don't agree with his story where he answers a woman's question about a guy who matches her love language: service, but she doesn't feel passion, "will the passion ever arrive?" is what she is asking. Instead he teaches her how to tell him to take a hike. I don't agree! She first needs to learn how to test him to see if he can connect with her "turn-ons" . I bet if he was guided in the right direction, the real him would suddenly appear and she would discover her passion for him. It happened to me. Guys who are givers of service are gentlemen, who need clear signals to turn on the juice. Her man sounded respectful and was waiting for a clear signal.
However, the premise for love languages is valuable and definately worth learning your primary love language. You want to pick someone who is capable of offering you YOUR primary love language, and visa versa. The good news is that you CAN learn all 5 love languages, even if you don't already possess that skill.